Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Last night...
couldn't sleep...
went out for a walk...
freezing cold...
I lay down...
on somewhere high, and look at the sky...
the old times...
will never come back...
for sure.
well i've been pretty sick today...
couldn't even walk properly...
haha
if anyone knows me, they would know i would never see a doctor or take medicine...
unless being force or scold, that is...
yea i was FORCE to take medication... a bottle of cough syrup i think?
Well, mum says, "Take 2 big spoon of that with warm water..."
i took it, estimated 2 big spoon, and simply pour it into my mouth...
the next thing i know is, from full bottle, it became half...
i was thinking, ah who cares... nothing will go wrong...
but i was wrong...
In game, dotaing, while i was taking first blood, i saw 2 of my sniper there, which suppose to be one only...
and...
the next thing is, dota minimap is spinning, i couldn't see any enemies...
lol
type my last words to my team, and i went off to bed...
halfway thru, i vomited, just like this, onto my floor... coooool!
well, i went to toilet, wash up myself, and went back to bed, leaving the vomit on the floor, for i got NO strength to clean them...
the feeling i have is like when i was drunk...
just half a bottle of medicine and do such a thing...
powerful... haha and all happens in just 10mins after i drank it...
next time no need buy alcohol, drink cough syrup and you can get high~~
haha
well, even til now, i am still feeling the effects... giddy...
flew into your heart at [3:43 AM]
Monday, November 16, 2009
super sick...
super super...
giddy and headache... almost never visited me in my life... but they seems to stick to me today worst then super glue...
I am bleeding whenever i shit... and my ass hurts even when i am sitting...
my cough was so bad that i need to grab on something whenever i cough... my throats hurts like mad...
til...
i did not touch a single stick today...
I tried to smoke a puff... but my throat couldn't take it... i hold the cigg on my hand all the way and never took another puff again...
Death...
My grandmother... condition is critical now...
The whole family was ask for a meeting today with the doctors... to dicuss... if she were to stop breathing... do we want to open a hole in her throat or somewhere around there...
but that would mean suffering, and death in the end too...
the answer was made...
we will let her go without pains...
if the time is here, the doctors were to rush and send her back to her house, and she will leave this world there...
Tears could not be controlled for most of us...
No appetite.
IC was lost, made an report just now...
Cheers, another thing i need to pay now...
Let's see what else can get wrong in my fuck up life.
flew into your heart at [10:46 PM]
Sunday, November 15, 2009
By now I guess certain someone had move on for sure...
Pretty obvious...
For me...
Even dreams has sights of her shadows... always lingering...
How could I, forsake this memories...
I watch 2012 just now... What I felt best part about the story is not that they all decided to open the doors... But when the family got together... The true love the surface out during crisis...
I doubt it will happen in my life...
People ask... why am I still wearing that...
I would reply with a smile and say, it's just an accessory on I like...
but they know, it contains memories i could never forsake...
Dear lord...
Help me...
I am...
Barely surviving...
Everyday...
And almost everything...
Reminds me of her...
I really wish I could stab a knife straight into my heart...
And end this pain...
Everytime i think of death...
2 person will appear in my mind...
My mum... and My Lord...
It seems like they are my only reason left to live...
I am very in pain...
Save me... please...
end my torture...
flew into your heart at [2:04 PM]
Monday, November 9, 2009
I decided...
The last time I would be disappointed...
Will be yesterday...
I don't...
Ever wanted to be hurt again...
When at first i said we will only playing dota you was so sad...
And i did something just for you...
To organise another outing JUST for you...
And... Yea... Guess I am no longer in even a single tiny part of your life anymore...
Ok then, I shall accept fate...
Even when reading your blog... I don't know does that person who you said will keep inside your special corner me... For such words had been use on others before... I no longer know does this love still continue for your side...
But all I know is...
I will, for mine.
Drop that topic... actually I type the first 1 and half paragraph at office...
crying... while typing... And someone saw me... which is why i stop typing... forgotten what i wanna say, well nvm... Just reach home...
Back to yesterday...
I canceled the outing... For it's meaningless already...
Met tessa nevertheless, the one with accident... LOL
Ate subway, the first time i order subway myself haha... Then she was teaching me how to order lol...
Oh ya, she poor thing, cannot eat anything that contain iron... then i give her one whole list of food that contain iron... she is like "WTF"... haha... she say hack care then whenever she eat i keep reminding her she is taking in iron LOL...
today...
My buddies and sisters in office are the one closest to me now... haha especially mr qin shi... although forever tio scolding... but well... haha cus i didn't listen to him most of the time... He is a car achiver now... Hope he buy his car soon and got someone to send me home liao >.<"
Yea...
I gonna be... walking this hard path alone... hardly anyone know how pain i felt now... for i am use to putting a masked of being happy le... they all thought i have move on... but none know how hurt i am still... except for some...
but i know...
Life has to go on...
I can't be in this stage forever...
I need to adjust my mood... and fight for what i want...
Move on... i dunno how long i need... one year?
Dun dream or plan to meet her... at least for now... for i'll know it worsen my feelings...
but still... no one can console me... except for the one that hurt me...
ironic isn't it... the one who can hurt and console me is the same person...
it's ok...
I'll try to improve my productive rate...
Improve my time management...
and lots of other area...
for now...
i gtg...
see ya...
Thanks my friends who has been there for me... though it doesn't help much... but you are appreciated... thanks.
flew into your heart at [3:09 PM]
Friday, November 6, 2009
Been wanting to write a wishlist...
And not just wish...
I gonna make Dreams and Wishes come true...
Wishlist:
1) Bike (motor bike not my cycling bike LOL)
2) New phone (I-phone prefered >.<")
3) Mp3
4) New cloths!!! (For this, I was challenge to do a 10 000 LV, and someone will tailor make shirt for me, buy tie for me... FREE!)
5) Shoes
6) Nice watch
7) New bag
8) My perfume
9) Decorate my room... Personalised >.<" I got free interior designer, JAYNUS JIE! haha
10) New bed
11) New Desk
12) New what is the thing where we keep our clothes? (LOL)
Ahh one whole chunk...
Some seems far...
Some seems cheap but far...
Some seems near...
But the thing i want most now is...
BIKE!
weeee~
I am so going to get it...
Target, 2010 march end...
^^
Still... Having all this... I felt empty...
I still feel the pain...
I still can never forget memories...
flew into your heart at [3:03 AM]
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Today was so fun...
So fun...
I dress up as a goat...
We do a lot of funny stuff...
Yea I went to the extent of wearing my costume and walking around at Jurong Point...
Saying hi to strangers...
Had so much laugh...
Was so tired...
Yea...
All I remember is words...
Not the feeling of the fun today...
Everytime I step into my room...
I forget all joyful stuff...
It's not that i wanted it to be this way...
But I just can't help it...
This pain...
Always lingers...
This pain...
Will never cease...
I've been forcing myself to do the things I need to do...
And not let my emotions affect me...
But I don't have any strength left...
I can't endure more...
I wanna give up...
flew into your heart at [5:18 AM]
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Been feeling like shit...
Just don't feel like doing anything...
Been staying at home doing nothing... yes nothing not even dota or went to work...
Yes just nothing...
But crying...
I just want to see you so much...
So much...
But this is what i got...
I sms you, i didn't recieve replies...
I msn you, i was trying to care for you... wanting to talk to you...
But all i got next is a word "nitex"
Fine then...
Go chase your dreams like you said yesterday...
Go aus go get married go where ever you like...
I won't step into your life again...
You don't need me and this love anymore...
Fine then
Go...
I won't bother you again...
You can happily rest now without me disturbing you...
You can rest now without needing to be there for me...
Just wanting to see you... A hug from you...
It's just simply so hard...
It's ok...
Like you said you are a girl, i am a GUY...
I dun need such things... I should be the one giving them out and not recieving them.
I will walk with my pain myself... You dun need to be there for me anymore...
I still remember when was the last time you said you will be there for me when i need you...
I was at tiong infront of 7-11 sitting down smoking...
And we was on the phone... and you say you couldn't make it to see me...
It was there when you told me you will be there for me...
I guess...
Suan le...
You CAN'T be there for me at all...
It's ok...
I'm a GUY.
I can walk with this pain ALONE.
Good bye.
flew into your heart at [11:41 PM]